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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
he was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
he was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
LOL. Haven't heard that one before.
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
I recently read about a bloke who escaped from a mental asylum and walking the streets for the first time in ages, walked randomly into a dry cleaners shop. He jumped the counter, rooted the sheila out the back and before she could say anything or complain or tell anyone he took off, without a trace. The first anyone heard about it was when they read about in their local paper.
The headline was "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts".
- "Number 42? I see you've got Darren Millane in the Heaven footy side"
- "No that's God. He just tries to play like Millane"
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.?
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'?
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.'
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink????
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a
ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.
'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say ' F**k you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Australian Pension Sex..
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy your self.
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but just grumble with the rest. - Jerome K Jerome
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
