Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[David]

Found in the wild (i.e. on Facebook):

Daffy Duck called the hotel desk and asked for a condom. The hotel innkeeper replied, “Shall I put this on your bill?” Daffy shouted, “Are you thucking thupid?!! I’ll thuffocate!!”

[Culprit]

^^ I laughed.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on today and I asked him and sat him down and said, "What would you like to talk about?" He responded, "Who the hell knows I've never gotten this far before".

[stui magpie]

A shy bloke walks into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. After a couple of glasses of liquid courage, he finally approaches her and says, tentatively, "Umm, would you mind if I sat and chatted with you for a bit?"

She turned to him and yelled at the top of her voice "NO, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU"

Everyone in the bar was now staring at him. Naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises, explaining that she's a psychology student and she's researching how people respond to embarrassing situations.

The man looked at her and yelled at the top of his voice "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $800? "

[think positive]

hehehe!!! love it

[Culprit]

I’m never going to be asked to go and sing at the psychiatric hospital again. In hindsight singing, “Do you hear what I hear” wasn’t a great idea.

I just said to the Mrs, "You are right". She replied, "I haven't said anything yet". I responded, "I am just getting in early".

[stui magpie]

Billy's Fruity Friday, courtesy of Cam Bancroft.

3 Nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the Pearly gates to be met by St Peter.

He tells them that to get in, they just need to correctly answer one question.

He turns to the first Nun and asks, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The Nun replies instantly, "Eve"

Correct, you may enter

Then he turns to the second Nun. " Where did Eve live?"

The Nun thinks for a couple of seconds and then says "The Garden of Eden"

Correct, you may enter.

Then he turns to the 3rd Nun and says, "This one is a little more difficult. What were the first words Eve said to Adam"

The 3rd Nun looks lost and says "That's a hard one"

Correct, you may enter.

[stui magpie]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” As time went by, the hours flew and the margaritas disappeared far too quickly. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Culprit]

Today I filled my fuel tank and it only cost me $25. Admittedly it was the lawnmower but I’m trying to remain positive.

I told the Mrs that her underwear is too tight and revealing. She told me to wear my own.

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide.

I ran into an old schoolmate and we chatted about life and he showed me a pic of his wife and said, "Isn't she gorgeous?". I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my sister". He responded, "Why, is she a stunner?". I said, "No she's an optometrist".

[Culprit]

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving the bar together. They get back to his place and he shows her around, she notices one wall of one of his bedrooms is filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddy, teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall. It was obvious he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the middle shelf and huge enormous bears running on the top shelf. She finds it strange for a masculine guy to have such a large teddy bear collection but doesn't mention this to him and is attracted to his sensitive side. She thinks OMG, this could be the one, the future father of her children. She turns to him and she kisses him lightly on the lips, he responds passionately. They rip each other's clothing off and make mad passionate love and she can't believe how good it is. After a few times, they are lying in bed exhausted enjoying the afterglow and she kisses him and asks coyly, "How was it?" He kisses he back and looks deeply into her eyes, "Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf".

[think positive]

lol!




When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an a**hole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'a**hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an a**hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an a**hole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first a**hole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an a**hole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two a**holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a**hole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an a**hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'A**hole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,'
And hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, a**hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your a**'

I answered,
'Well, a**hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two a**holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[eddiesmith]

Both damn brilliant

[Culprit]

A man called his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with the Boss. I will be gone a week, can you you pack my fishing tackle box and my blue velvet PJs please". His wife thought it was weird but thought no worries. She packed everything and he went away and came back a week later. She asked how it went. He responded, "Great time caught heaps of fish". by the way what happened to my PJs?" She replied, "Oh I packed those in your fishing tackle box".

[Culprit]

Boss to the employee, “I expect you not to discuss your pay rise with anyone”. Employee, “Don’t worry I’m as embarrassed as you are”.

A husband and wife were watching a boxing match. Boxer was KO in under a minute and the husband said, “That was boring, he didn’t even last a minute” The Wife responded, “Now you know how I feel”.

[Culprit]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am? “
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Culprit]

A reporter sitting next to an old guy and his wife asked him what’s the key to their successful 60-year marriage. The old guy says, “Well a long time ago we were riding horses and the horse threw her off. She dusted herself off looked at the horse, and said That’s one”. Then the horse threw her off again and she got up looked at the horse and said, “That’s two”. She got back on and the horse threw her off again she dusted herself off once again looked at the horse and said, “Right that’s three”. She then pulled a gun and shot the horse dead. I did my nut, screaming at her I said to her “wtf did you do that for?”. She looked at me and said, “That’s One”.