What pisses you off? Part II: Electric Boogaloo

[What'sinaname]

Why are you solo parenting on evenings and weekends?

[David]

She has various commitments and a fairly active social life. I'm not sure why, but it does feel as if we're like ships in the night sometimes. I don't begrudge her this, by the way, because I do work long hours and of course it's good for her to have a night off now and then when she can. The trouble is that this arrangement tends to leave me little time to myself.

was the post her words or a meme?

It was a post about that greatest films of all time poll that I posted about in the other thread:

Every man who watches Jeanne Dielman and feels like they are doing something important by watching a feminist film about peeling potatoes I dare you to do more housework and help women in your life.

She knows I like the director, so it felt like a pretty direct call-out (like, who else is she talking about here?). And it's particularly annoying because I've never been one of those guys who makes myself out to be some super-virtuous male feminist or whatever (I probably wouldn't even call myself a feminist at all; I just believe in fairness and mutual respect). So it feels like a total straw man … so to speak.

Free psycho analysis, I'd say the reason you feel bad about it is because you have a level of resentment that you're doing more than your fair share already, and the insinuation that you aren't doing so is insulting.

Suggestions (remember I'm divorced so relationship advice is not my strong suit) would be to DILLIGAF about what other people think. If anyone calls you out on FB, just respond with, "hey, the post wasn't about me, I do my share, isn't that right sweetheart?"

Then comes the real problem, and follow Lazza here, about having the conversation with your partner about extracting her arse from the armchair and actually doing something.

Stacking and unloading the dishwasher isn't housework, washing the dishes by hand is housework. Doing laundry? The only hard part about that is hanging the clothes on the line, bringing them in and putting them away, otherwise all you do is put clothes in the machine, add powder/liquid and turn it on.

Please tell me she at least does some of the cooking?

Yeah, she does, including most of the time when we're both at home. Otherwise, as above, when it's just me at home (around 3 or 4 nights a week) I make dinner. So I think it's fair to say she does more cooking than me. But I do honestly wonder what else she does all day when she's not working and Ingmar's at school, because the house consistently looks like a bomb site, with clothes and stacks of papers and paraphernalia everywhere, and we have so much extra stuff we need to get rid of but never seem to find time to do. Of course that's on me too.

I think you're right about the resentment, unfortunately. For instance, I have to do the school drop-off by bus every morning, even though it consistently makes me late to work (thankfully I have a relatively flexible job). And of course the fact that she's never really had a regular job in the past ten years has an effect; it means I have to work two jobs or more to make up for it, which then feeds into her perception that she's doing more housework than me. If stuff like that were just shared a little more, or I felt there was some balance (it doesn't need to be 50/50), then I think I'd be a lot more comfortable with the arrangement. But as it is, seeing stuff like that is frustrating when a) I know that it plays into a narrative a lot of people have (based on bitter experience, I guess) about slack husbands; and b) nobody knows our actual situation. But you're absolutely right that I need to care less about other people's perceptions.

The list is a good idea, Lazza, thanks!

[What'sinaname]

Hey David,

I don't want to be a downer here, but if your partner has an active social life, she's not really into being a parent / partner.

If she is younger than you, she's holding on to her youth with younger friends.

Worst case scenario, she's not happy with her "life" and essentially having a second life outside of what she has.

I'm not an expert, but have witnessed this with close friends and in all cases, it didn't end well.

And I'm happy for you to say I'm talking shit here as I don't know anything more than what you've posted.

I will say this though..

Look after yourself because no one else will. Make sure you prioritise yourself.

We love you and want the best for you.

xx

[David]

[swoop42]

No way is it okay that she's going out 2 or 3 nights a week when she has a son at home, a partner that works two jobs and is embarrassed by the state of your home but is to lazy to do something about it.

Sorry David but she's taking you for granted and you deserve better.

[think positive]

Yup I agree

Very unfair to ingmar to not allow friends because she is embarrassed about the house but won’t fix it. Do a room a day til it’s done. If she’s home all day she has no excuse, what is she doing?

You say you’d like to go out with friends, why don’t you? Fairs fair! It’s not like she’s home all day with a baby/ toddler, I mean that can be stressful. But she’s not dealing with that any more.

Do you think she is showing signs of depression? Are you? These questions are so important. I think everyone goes through bouts ofthe blues. I know I do.

As for the post, nothing shits me more than gutless people taking a shot on Facebook, it’s gaslighting, it’s chucking you under the bus. Call it out. Every time.

I missed wether she works for an income st all? There are part time jobs during school hours, what about her photography? You should not have to work 2 jobs while she sits on her but, and you should not feel guilty for expecting her to do the most housework, nothing to do with feminism, we all get the same hours in a day, relationships should be a partnership. 2 jobs is exhausting, and the school drop off? Why can’t she do that?

You need to sit down with no distractions and talk it out. Living with resentment is not healthy. Be prepared, yes, make lists. But don’t let it fester anymore. It doesn’t have to be an argument, she might get defensive, but if it’s in black and white she has to listen. Well if she wants to. But either way,you deserve better, everybody does, cheers

[think positive]

I just read back, she’s out three or four nights a week?
Yeah nah, that’s not on. I’d be extremely distrustful of that tbh! She’s taking you for granted at the very least. Family time, putting Ingmar to bed, communications.

[eddiesmith]

The power company pisses me off, as if it’s not bad enough they scheduled a power outage for a Sunday…$$$$$ but they still went ahead with it despite the shit weather. Now it’s been raining for about 2 hours and they have therefore been unlikely to have done any work for those last 2 hours…

[Skids]

Wasting a day of my R n R, sitting here with a thousand other sheep to see if my number is called out for jury duty.

[think positive]

Just cough like Covid! And go home!

[Skids]

Turned out to be interesting.
My number got called on the 4th 'case'. They advised us the trial was expected to last 4 days.
Got escorted into the court room with 28 others. The judge read out the charges and explained some things before numbers were randomly pulled to get the 14 jurors.
My number didn't come out and I was home by 11am watching a replay of the 1995 ANZAC day game on fox footy.

[stui magpie]

Went to Toc on Friday, beautiful weather, in shorts the whole time, came back to Melbourne (and winter) yesterday arvo.

WTF? I'm freezing. Yesterday morning I was watering the garden in shorts, today back in Melbourne I'm rugged up like an Eskimo with the heater on full blast.

[stui magpie]

Lots of things lately, including the fkn weather, but today specifically my skills as a plasterer or lack thereof.

I decided to clean out the spare bedroom and convert it into a bedroom for the Grandson so he would have a place he had his own stuff, bed etc when he stayed over and a place to play or relax quietly.

After throwing out a bunch of crap and getting rid of the old double bed, I thought I'd try to tidy up some of the messy plastering work I did 20+ years ago with a bit of topcoat before painting.

Applying Topcoat evenly with a trowel is a learned skill that takes a fair bit of practice to get the trowel angle and pressure just right. It's a skill I clearly don't have.

First effort today will need sanding back, so might the 2nd and 3rd efforts and so on before I either get it right, just give up and paint over it as it is or make a wall paper feature.

[What'sinaname]

It’s fkn impossible. Even filling little holes is a bastard. I can see everyone of them through the finished paint. They never have the same texture as the rest of the wall.

[roar]

Hey David,

I don't want to be a downer here, but if your partner has an active social life, she's not really into being a parent / partner.

Hey David,

Just wanted to point out that the above post is total rubbish and there are many, many people who are parents AND have an active social life.