Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[3.14159]

This bloke decides there's somethink missing so sidles up to his missus and says "darlin I been wanting to spice things up a bit so he's a couple of hundred bucks.I want you to go down the sex and buy my something that will turn both us on".
So off she goes and comes back with brown paper bag.
"Stay there lover" she says "I'll be back in a minute" and dis-appears into the bathroom with what-ever was in the bag.
There's nuthing else in the bag but a pair of handcuffs and some gaffer tape so he strips off and jumps into bed, shackling himself the bed-posts as he does so. *
After a few minutes his missus comes slinking out of bathroom in a crutch-less leather cat woman suit, bright red lip stick and black stilletto boots and large leather bull whip.
WOW Honey you look like a drop-dead ready to go off, what did you get for me to wear?"
She takes the brown paper bag, pulls out the gaffer tape wraps it across his mouth and throws the brown paper over his head.

*not as hard as you might imagine.....errr

[Culprit]

A FATHER buys a lie-detecting robot and decides to test it out at dinner.
He asks his son what he did that afternoon. I did some schoolwork,'' says the boy. Robot slaps the son. OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies.'' What movie did you watch?'' Toy Story.'' Robot slaps the son again.
OK, OK, we were watching porn."

What? At your age?'' says the father. When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was.'' Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs. Well, he certainly is your son.'' Robot slaps the mother.

[Culprit]

A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas".

[David]

http://philip.greenspun.com/humor/deep-thoughts

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[luvdids]

http://philip.greenspun.com/humor/deep-thoughts

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Ohhhh, nooooo!! lol, that's terrible!!

[stui magpie]

^

LOL

I think TP posted this somewhere.

Apparently the Collingwood Football Club have got a new retirement home for aged and infirm ex players, coaches and administrators.








It's called "The Carlton Football Club""

[HAL]

I hear you.

[5150]

http://philip.greenspun.com/humor/deep-thoughts

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

.

I will do this one day.

[HAL]

What is stopping you? OK then let me think over your offer.

[stui magpie]

[think positive]

^

LOL

I think TP posted this somewhere.

Apparently the Collingwood Football Club have got a new retirement home for aged and infirm ex players, coaches and administrators.








It's called "The Carlton Football Club""

In gd in the Carlton thread, no one seems to have a sense of humour there right now!

[stui magpie]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[stui magpie]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

[Morrigu]

^ Obviously a brunette experimenting with being a blonde

Which brings me to another question given no one seems to have pubes these days how do you tell if someone is a natural blonde, brunette, red head etc?

[stui magpie]

^ Obviously a brunette experimenting with being a blonde

Which brings me to another question given no one seems to have pubes these days how do you tell if someone is a natural blonde, brunette, red head etc?

Q What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?
A A brunette.