Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[David]

http://consc.net/misc/proofs.html

Proofs that p

Davidson's proof that p:
Let us make the following bold conjecture: p

Wallace's proof that p:
Davidson has made the following bold conjecture: p

Grunbaum:
As I have asserted again and again in previous publications, p.

Putnam:
Some philosophers have argued that not-p, on the grounds that q. It would be an interesting exercise to count all the fallacies in this "argument". (It's really awful, isn't it?) Therefore p.

Rawls:
It would be nice to have a deductive argument that p from self- evident premises. Unfortunately I am unable to provide one. So I will have to rest content with the following intuitive considerations in its support: p.

Unger:
Suppose it were the case that not-p. It would follow from this that someone knows that q. But on my view, no one knows anything whatsoever. Therefore p. (Unger believes that the louder you say this argument, the more persuasive it becomes).

Katz:
I have seventeen arguments for the claim that p, and I know of only four for the claim that not-p. Therefore p.

Lewis:
Most people find the claim that not-p completely obvious and when I assert p they give me an incredulous stare. But the fact that they find not-p obvious is no argument that it is true; and I do not know how to refute an incredulous stare. Therefore, p.

Fodor:
My argument for p is based on three premises:
q
r
and
p

From these, the claim that p deductively follows. Some people may find the third premise controversial, but it is clear that if we replaced that premise by any other reasonable premise, the argument would go through just as well.

Sellars' proof that p:
Unfortunately limitations of space prevent it from being included here, but important parts of the proof can be found in each of the articles in the attached bibliography.

Earman:
There are solutions to the field equations of general relativity in which space-time has the structure of a four- dimensional Klein bottle and in which there is no matter. In each such space-time, the claim that not-p is false. Therefore p.

Goodman:
Zabludowski has insinuated that my thesis that p is false, on the basis of alleged counterexamples. But these so- called "counterexamples" depend on construing my thesis that p in a way that it was obviously not intended -- for I intended my thesis to have no counterexamples. Therefore p.

[David]

Sorry, another philosophy joke:

http://www.mindspring.com/~mfpatton/Tissues.htm

Consider the following case:

On Twin Earth, a brain in a vat is at the wheel of a runaway trolley. There are only two options that the brain can take: the right side of the fork in the track or the left side of the fork. There is no way in sight of derailing or stopping the trolley and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows trolleys. The brain is causally hooked up to the trolley such that the brain can determine the course which the trolley will take.

On the right side of the track there is a single railroad worker, Jones, who will definitely be killed if the brain steers the trolley to the right. If the railman on the right lives, he will go on to kill five men for the sake of killing them, but in doing so will inadvertently save the lives of thirty orphans (one of the five men he will kill is planning to destroy a bridge that the orphans' bus will be crossing later that night). One of the orphans that will be killed would have grown up to become a tyrant who would make good utilitarian men do bad things. Another of the orphans would grow up to become G.E.M. Anscombe, while a third would invent the pop-top can.

If the brain in the vat chooses the left side of the track, the trolley will definitely hit and kill a railman on the left side of the track, "Leftie" and will hit and destroy ten beating hearts on the track that could (and would) have been transplanted into ten patients in the local hospital that will die without donor hearts. These are the only hearts available, and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows hearts. If the railman on the left side of the track lives, he too will kill five men, in fact the same five that the railman on the right would kill. However, "Leftie" will kill the five as an unintended consequence of saving ten men: he will inadvertently kill the five men rushing the ten hearts to the local hospital for transplantation. A further result of "Leftie's" act would be that the busload of orphans will be spared. Among the five men killed by "Leftie" are both the man responsible for putting the brain at the controls of the trolley, and the author of this example. If the ten hearts and "Leftie" are killed by the trolley, the ten prospective heart-transplant patients will die and their kidneys will be used to save the lives of twenty kidney-transplant patients, one of whom will grow up to cure cancer, and one of whom will grow up to be Hitler. There are other kidneys and dialysis machines available, however the brain does not know kidneys, and this is not a factor.

Assume that the brain's choice, whatever it turns out to be, will serve as an example to other brains-in-vats and so the effects of his decision will be amplified. Also assume that if the brain chooses the right side of the fork, an unjust war free of war crimes will ensue, while if the brain chooses the left fork, a just war fraught with war crimes will result. Furthermore, there is an intermittently active Cartesian demon deceiving the brain in such a manner that the brain is never sure if it is being deceived.

QUESTION: What should the brain do?

[stui magpie]

David, you're in the wrong thread.

Re the last one, the answer is simple. Doesn't matter, go with whichever rote is quicker.

[watt price tully]

I love this one !

Air emergency

The aircraft was cruising at thirty-five thousand feet and everyone had just finished having their lunch. The soft whining of the engines was coaxing passengers to sleep. Sitting in economy class , row 22 seat B, was an Anaesthetist wiggling his toes in an attempt to prevent deep vein thrombosis developing in his feet.

As he sipped a complimentary glass of water , a frantic message came over the public address system; "Anaesthetist urgently needed for someone in Business Class!"

Hoping that someone else would get up, the Anaesthetist pretended not to hear and looked out of the window. The call came again; "Please ... we urgently need an Anaesthetist for someone in Business Class "

Perhaps this was serious . Why did they need an Anesthetist ? Maybe it was a cardiac arrest! Trying to recall the ABC's , the Anaesthetist got the attention of one of the cabin staff.

They were so relieved; "Thank you Sir, for volunteering to help us. There is this gentleman who needs your urgent assistance in Business Class".The anaesthetist was taken to the Business Class section.

Wow! There was so much space. It was another world compared to the cramped Economy Class. But where was the patient ? There were only a few passengers , and all were asleep except one of them who was reading a newspaper. Nobody seemed to be in any distress. This was perplexing .

Suddenly the man reading the newspaper looked up. He was a rather well fed gentleman and had a grumpy voice; " Are you an Anaesthetist ?"

"Yes ... ?" "Oh .. that's great! I am an Orthopedic Surgeon , and have been looking for an Anaesthetist . So glad that they managed to find one ...."

This was getting frightening. Was this man trying to do surgery in this aircraft ? The nervous Anaesthetist managed to ask ; "How may I help you ?"

The surgeon replied; "Well I have been trying to read this newspaper ...but the reading light isn't aimed correctly. Can you please adjust it for me ...."

Only just read that. Gold

[3.14159]

QUESTION: What should the brain do?

When drinking with Cartesian demons, stop before you get out of your skull?

[watt price tully]

A 72 yr old man gets a gift from his long married wife.

Its a voucher to see the local medicine man.

The 72 yr old says why not & goes to the local reservation, sees the old medicine man who gives him some very strong medicine.

The medicine man says take a 1/2 teaspoon of this and you'll feel more viriiie than you were in your early 20's. You'll have an erection harder & your sex will last longer than you've ever experienced. You'll be able to pleasure your wife like never before.

The 72 yr old asks "how does it work"?

The medicine man replies: "take 1/2 a teaspoon & count out 1, 2 , 3"

The 72 yr old man asks "how do I stop it"?

The medicine man replies just have to say: 1,2,3,4 & it will stop. Remember however this will not work again until the next full moon once you've called it off.

The man rushes home, invites his wife into the bedroom takes the 1/2 teaspoon of medicine & says 1,2,3 within seconds he develops an enormous hard erection something his wife had not seen in shell of a long time. She takes her clothes off feeling like this is an experience they haven't had in an awfully long time , admires his manhood and ask him: "By the way, what's the 1,2,3,for"?


The moral of the story: don't end your sentences in a preposition because it might leave your participles dangling

[watt price tully]

Oops double sorry

[stui magpie]

Old jack was on his death bed. Beside him was his wife of 40 years Ethel

Jack coughed weakly, opened his eyes and said to Ethel, "When I'm dead, I want you to wait 6 months and then marry Bob"

Ethel, looked at him and said, "I thought you hated Bob"

Jack coughed again, and said "Yeah, I do".

[Kingswood]

A 72 yr old man gets a gift from his long married wife.

Its a voucher to see the local medicine man.

The 72 yr old says why not & goes to the local reservation, sees the old medicine man who gives him some very strong medicine.

The medicine man says take a 1/2 teaspoon of this and you'll feel more viriiie than you were in your early 20's. You'll have an erection harder & your sex will last longer than you've ever experienced. You'll be able to pleasure your wife like never before.

The 72 yr old asks "how does it work"?

The medicine man replies: "take 1/2 a teaspoon & count out 1, 2 , 3"

The 72 yr old man asks "how do I stop it"?

The medicine man replies just have to say: 1,2,3,4 & it will stop. Remember however this will not work again until the next full moon once you've called it off.

The man rushes home, invites his wife into the bedroom takes the 1/2 teaspoon of medicine & says 1,2,3 within seconds he develops an enormous hard erection something his wife had not seen in shell of a long time. She takes her clothes off feeling like this is an experience they haven't had in an awfully long time , admires his manhood and ask him: "By the way, what's the 1,2,3,for"?


The moral of the story: don't end your sentences in a preposition because it might leave your participles dangling

lol

[Kingswood]

Old jack was on his death bed. Beside him was his wife of 40 years Ethel

Jack coughed weakly, opened his eyes and said to Ethel, "When I'm dead, I want you to wait 6 months and then marry Bob"

Ethel, looked at him and said, "I thought you hated Bob"

Jack coughed again, and said "Yeah, I do".

hahaha.

[stui magpie]

A remake of an oldie. I got it from an American site but I still laughed.

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[watt price tully]

Hopefully not too ethnocentric!

An American man, an Australian man & a Jewish man (I can say this) were lost in the desert. They were parched, dry as, no liquid for a long time.

The American says:

I'm that thristy I could drink a keg of Bud.

The Australian says:

I'm that thirsty I could drink a keg of VB

The Jewish man says:

I'm that thristy - I must have diabetes .

[Tannin]

Actually, the Jewish man, being a well brought up lad with a decent education, would know perfectly that "I'm that thirsty" is an ugly, ignorant Americanism and he would say "I am so thirsty ...."

As for the Australian, you don't need to be thirsty to drink VB.

And the American, well, what can I say? It must be a true story, 'cause you'd have to be right at death's door to even contemplate drinking Bud!

PS: Come to think of it, the only way you could get a keg of Bud out there would be to bring it in on the back of a camel. In that case, of course, you wouldn't need the Bud, 'cause you could simply drink the camel's piss.

[stui magpie]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[stui magpie]

Women will never achieve true equality until they can walk down the street, with a bald head and a massive beer gut and think they're as sexy as hell.

A woman stands naked in front of the mirror and all she sees are faults.
A Man stands naked in front of the mirror, thinks what a sexy beast he is and how 2 weeks in the Gym is all that's needed to tone that 6 pack up again.