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Post by **stui magpie** » Thu Aug 04, 2011 5:02 pm

LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford.

Tannin · Post by **Tannin** » Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:12 pm

stui magpie wrote:A man sees his wife watching a cooking show. He asks her "Why are you watching that? You can't cook!" She replies "Well you watch porn."

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

BJ · Post by BJ » Thu Aug 04, 2011 7:25 pm

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't show up.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
shit when you hear the price."

Kingswood · Post by **Kingswood** » Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:58 am

my wife came up to me and said, take off my shirt

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Post by **think positive** » Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:59 am

haha!!

Post by **David** » Fri Aug 05, 2011 11:10 am

stui magpie wrote:LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford.

The mods clearly didn't!

Post by **think positive** » Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:31 pm

David wrote:
stui magpie wrote:LOL, I'm guessing they're english ones. Love the one about Bradford.
The mods clearly didn't!

you got that right!!

Mountains Magpie · Post by **Mountains Magpie** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:39 pm

Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes-Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:42 pm

Milk is a good drink for children.

Post by **think positive** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:50 pm

Member 7167 · Post by **Member 7167** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:51 pm

Hal - Why don't you poor a little milk in with your transistors and diodes and see if you are lactose intolerant.

HAL · Post by **HAL** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:55 pm

Sorry you've lost me, we were talking about it's illegal to shoot them are alive .

Post by **stui magpie** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:38 pm

A truckie pulls up at a brothel and walks inside. He puts down $500 on the counter and says to the madam,

"I'd like the ugliest old slapper you have, and a stale cheese sandwich please"

The Madam looks at him aghast. "For that kind of money", she says, " you can have my finest girl and I can get a gourmet meal delivered in for afters"

"You don't understand", said the truckie, "I'm not Horny or Hungry, I'm homesick".

Bucks5 · Post by **Bucks5** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 6:50 pm

.....and the next day another truckie pulls up at the same brothel. He asks the madam, 'What can I get for $10"?

She looks at him aghast and says "10 bucks!?!?! Get the f&$k out of here and have a wank!!!!". He walks back in 5 minutes later and says "That was good, who do I pay?"

Post by **stui magpie** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:32 pm

Not bad.

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